With Jasper Conran

When you're walking down a dark street, right, and there's an unaccompanied female walking ahead, do you deliberately take a detour in case they think you're a rapist? I know I do.

And you always laugh at "with a vegetable medley" on menus because it sounds really stupid. Then when the vegetable medley actually arrives, it's just a plate of vegetables. What's the point? It's just a plate with some broccoli and onions and that.

So you've just taken a detour and you're walking around the block, and who should you see coming the other way, but the bird you were trying to avoid in the first place. Now she definurrtely thinks you're a rapist and crosses the road. So you're crossing the road too and before you know it, she's screaming "RAYPIST" at you and you're holding her down on the pavement, trying to cover her mouth with one hand, vegetable medley in the other hand. Unbelievable.

So you're trying to explain to the police officer why you're laying on top of some bird and smothering her face with a plate of vegetable medley, when all of a sudden he starts raping you with his eyes. Not actually, but with his eyes. Then all his mates join in and you can feel them rubbing their dicks in your vegetable medley, with their eyes.

Jasper Conran is currently launching his 2006 Spring and Summer collections, as well as promoting his new range of luxury.