I joined Friends Reunited about five years ago. During this time I have never contacted anyone, nor have I been contacted by anyone. So why do people bother? Well I’ll tell you.

Friends Reunited is a gauge or a measuring stick, if you like, with which people measure how successful they have become in life. You get plus points for marriage and having an interesting job; you get minus points for working at Tescos or appearing in the local newspaper because you got your dobbin out in the park.

So I signed up, wrote some boring blurb about my job and what I’d been up to for the last 10 years and then had a look through some of the familiar names I had grown up with. It was fun seeing what people were up to, but that was it.

About a year later, I found myself back again. I noticed a few extra names. I also noted that some people had also actually updated their blurbs.

“Cat’s started to walk all by itself now. I don’t know how he does it! Kerry, have you still got my Blue CD? I worry about those boys, you know? They don’t eat enough.”

Then I looked at my profile... It read something like,

“Blah-de-blah de-blah for 2 years. Then I blah-de-blah. Still blah-de-blah.”

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not bitter with my lot in any way whatsoever. I’m a pretty happy chappy and I’ve had a good life so far. In fact, I would go so far as to say that everything is just fucking dandy, thank-you for asking.

Unfortunately, the stupid paragraph that was “my life” didn’t really sum this up. For this reason, I decided to do what I did. Lie.

These fibs appeared on Friends Reunited over the space of a year, though I may as well have written them on the back of fucking Pluto in yellow pencil. They're not particularly funny. I just wanted people to think I was a complete idiot, which I am.

Know you can do better? Send me the actual link to your fib at angel.victorio@gmail.com or leave a comment, below. Make it embarrassing; if you can't make it embarrassing, make it mysterious. It could become the latest kool kraze.


What am I doing now?

After saving the Himalayan mountain ant from certain extinction, I spent 4 years as chairman of FIFA where I married my childhood sweetheart, that bird off the McCain’s Oven Chips adverts.
I don't get out much since the operation.


Would love to hear from some of you. Particularly from whoever's still got my pencil sharpener.
[24 Jul 2003]


What am I doing now?

My ex-wife, Carol (from the McCain's Oven Chips adverts) has finally moved in with the window cleaner from the Mini Chicken Kievs advert, which is a shame.

Good news, though. I am now a fully qualified submarine pilot, and work for the Variety Club of Great Britain Sunshine Sub Underwater Tours. I take pensioners and specially challenged youths on a magical underwater journey through the coral reef off Portishead.

Still haven't found my pencil sharpener. I'm sure someone else has got it.
[17 Jan 2004]


What am I doing now?

I am now a fully qualified submarine pilot and work for the Variety Club of Great Britain Sunshine Sub Underwater Tours. I take pensioners and specially challenged youths on a magical underwater journey through the coral reef off the coast of Portishead.

When I say coral reef, I actually mean brightly coloured pieces of polystyrene attached to a large underwater pipe. There aren't any coral reefs in the Bristol Channel. Luckily, most of my clientelle can't even spell their own name, let alone identify coral.

If anyone finds my pencil sharpener, drop me a line. It's green and has a special container which collects the pencil sharpenings.
[07 Mar 2004]


What am I doing now?

I am now a fully qualified submarine pilot and still work for the Variety Club of Great Britain Sunshine Sub Underwater Tours. I take pensioners and specially challenged youths on a magical underwater journey through the coral reef off the coast of Portishead.

Had a bit of an eventful week. Bristol council are threatening to sue us because of the polystyrene. Lumps of the stuff have been finding their way on to the beach and messing up fishermen's wellies.
I'd like to see them try and attach lumps of polystyrene to a pipe 30 feet under water - and they can hardly blame us if seagulls are eating it and making their guts explode. Birds are notoriously stupid animals.

We've offered to clean up the bird guts but the court proceedings are still going ahead as planned, so I may be out of a job soon.

This pencil sharpener business is getting out of hand, so I've hired a private investigator to bring this maniac to justice. Your ass is mine, punk - I know your dad.
[28 Mar 2004]


What am I doing now?

I am now a fully qualified submarine pilot, and no longer work for the Variety Club of Great Britain Sunshine Sub Underwater Tours. I don't take pensioners and specially challenged youths on a magical underwater journey through the coral reef off the coast of Portishead.

Due to the sudden and dramatic decline of the seagull population, and gut pollution; Sunshine Sub Tours is no more.

There was also the incident where I crashed my sub into a sponge. Sure, I was the only survivor - but I was also the only swimmer, and I wasn't about to play Baywatch when I've got so much to lose.
Not everyone could see my point of view on this. As a result, I've had to change my name and move to an undisclosed location on the South coast in Brighton. Just to be sure, I changed my name back as a kind of double bluff.

I live a quiet life these days, and like to cruise around town in my German WWII zeppelin, or tinker in the shed with my collection of rare groove and classic colostomy bags.
[10 Aug 2004]