So when the weekend finally arrives, there's nothing I find more relaxing than indulging in my favourite non-violent hobby - watching people 'aving it off in the back of a motor with a dog.

Choosing your Phileas Fogg - A dogger without a dog is like a pie without mash, liqour and boiled bananas and carrots. Your dog is your tool, so you don't want some stupid, mangey mutt with fleas and bad breath ruining what originally set out to quite a magical and enchanting soiree, do ya? I test runned three different dogs, didn' I? Here's what I found:


The German Alsatian Dog

Lovely coat on this one and a nice wet nose. This dog's also a bit tasty and can handle itself in a fight, so a good choice all round.

I took 'im down Hackey Marshes, one of my favourite spots. It wasn't long before we found a couple of lezzers in the back of a Range Rover. After a few drinks, we started loosening up a bit and one of them turned the lights down and put a Chris DeBurgh CD on. So far, so good.

Then the other one leaned forward and whispered somefing in the dog's ear, but it couldn't understand not one dickie bird of what she was saying cos it was bleedin' German, weren' it?


The Golden Labrador Dog

No quite as tasty as the Alsatian, the labrador is more of a dippy twonk of an animal. It makes up for this in its loyalty, so it's a true East End dog if you fink about it. It would never put up wiv someone saying something untoward about its ma and if it did bump anyone off, it would never take out one of its own.

Our next location was Tesco's carpark, East Ham on a Saturday afternoon. I'm like a cat in a Whiskas shop what's got the cream as I check out what's on offer. Bingo - I spot a couple of nuns and a randy vicar loading up a Red Golf with a couple of crates of WKD and some Pringles.

I make my way over, casually, right? Then I turns round and the dog is nowhere to be seen, is it? Only turns out that it's 'elping some blind geezer what's trying to cross the road, ain't it?


The Chihoo-wah-wah-wah

The Chiwah-hoo-wah-wah is a small Mexican breed what comes from Brazil. It's a cross between a rare species of monkey from the Amazon Rainforests, crossed wiv a wolf and a bat. A good advantage of this is that should you smell bacon, and I'm talking about when the rozzers are coming, ain' I? - this handy little mongrel can be stashed quickly, safely and discretely inside your pocket or a sports holdall, should you be carrying one at the time.

I decided to go up West - Harvey Nichols to be precise, round the back next to the deliveries entrance. It weren't long before I spotted Patsy Kensit and Jodie Kidd parked up nearby and I could not belive my pork pies at what I saw. They was both in the back seat trying on some new bikinis what they'd just bought, weren't they?

So I finished me Scotch egg and me fag and walked over, when I suddenly realised that the Chiwoh-woh-wah-wuah must've done a runner. "My bleedin' gran's tits", I said to myself. "Just my rotten onions and muck." But there was no need to worry - There was the cheeky little blighter in the back seat. The three of 'em were knocking back tequilas while the ladies were parading about and that in a negligee, and well, I don't need to tell you what 'appended next. I knocked one out there and then over windscreen and wiped it off with a cloff.

Bangers and mash!